Do we have the right to forget?
So a few days ago I made the decision to try electroshock therapy. For me this is a huge decision because until a few weeks ago, I still thought it was very much a “Vincent Price” type of procedure. It started one night while my husband was introducing me to new music, something we do almost daily sometimes, and there was just a flash of someone undergoing the electroshock therapy in the horror style and for some reason I just looked it up to see what it was really like. It peaked my interest.
Anyone who knows me knows my life has not been easy, but not many know the secrets I carry and memories that torture me every day… Things I did before I knew they were wrong, as a child; Hell, things I did that I knew were wrong as an adult! Things that if you tell people you did, you get only one of 2 responses… 1. Kids will be kids/people fight, 2. You belong in jail. And I have seen people who carry the same scars suffer both fates.
I don’t know if I should be allowed to forget what I did, but I am completely incapable of forgiving myself and if I don’t find a way out of this self hating aggressive depression I’m going to be dead really soon. I’ve allowed my A1c numbers to be between 12 and 14 for the last 20 years waiting on diabetes to slowly take me out, and it’s finally starting to work. I have stage3 kidney disease and my intestines’ are shutting down. But it hurts and I’m just tired of hurting, so this is my last shot at feeling better… giving myself permission to forget. There’s a chance I may not forget, I hope I don’t forget entirely but I hope I can find my way back out of bed and back into doing God’s work.
My first session is scheduled for Friday.